Oh my god, I just saw the stupidest thing ever on TV. I was flipping through the channels and I discovered CSPAN's latest blunder: Book TV. I'm not joking, Book TV actually exists. They were showing a publication party for Chris Matthews (whoever that is) that happened on the 29th. The people were arguing about how to spell some other author's name. It ended up being spelled with an 's' and not a 'z'. =BECAUSE WE FUCKING CARE=!
Yay!!! Morah is coming tomorrow! I'm so excited!
I rearranged my room today. I moved almost everything around. In fact, the only thing that stayed in place was the CD rack. And a few pictures. And all the crap on the shelves and ledges, but that doesn't count because it's not really furnature. So I guess by definition, the others don't count either. Oh well, suffice to say that a lot of stuff moved. On the upside, my bed isn't right under the frickin' window. On the downside, my head is on the opposite side of the wall as the shower. As if I couldn't =already= hear everyone who uses that bathroom. It's funny, there's more space in my room now. More room, you could say. I'll have to make good use of it. At least the bed and the door don't see one another anymore (it's a feng shui thing). Which reminds me, a friend of mine and I drew a little map of my room a while back (and discovered that it's not square. Numbers weren't adding up properly, so we measured the room on one end, then on the other end, only to find out the room is a few inches shorter at one end! It tapers somewhere, which can't be good for my qi). The point of the map was to try and figure out the best setup for my room to balance my qi (pronounced (and sometimes written) chi). I'll have to see if I can dig that up. It might be at school. Damn. Oh well, at least I'll be sleeping in my bed again and not the one downstairs. I hate that bed.
I hope Morah can come up for New Year's. I really want to see her again. I miss her so much!
So I see my cat walking out of my room and I instantly wonder, what the hell was he doing in there? For those who don't know, the cats don't spend much time in my room unless I'm there. Even then, my sister's cat, Moon, never goes in there. I try to keep the door closed most of the time because Stimpy likes to scratch up this pink blanket I have that I've had since I was born. Anyway, Stimpy, my cat, comes walking out of my room and I wonder why he was in there. So I go in there to see and I flick on the light to find Moon trying to scratch the blanket! Not only that, she's so caught off guard by my coming in and catching her, she digs in her claws and gets stuck! I got her mostly unstuck (after calming her down because she started to panic), but there was only so much I could do. I stood there trying to figure what to do, then she just tore through the mattress (which is what she was stuck on) and took off. So that worked. Damn cats.
I saw Vanilla Sky tonight. That movie was seriously fucked up. If you haven't seen it, you should. It's confusing as all hell, but it's cool. And it ended pretty well, I thought.
I miss you, Morah.
I just learned that Andrew Sachs, who played Manuel on Fawlty Towers, got to keep the white jacket after the show ended. I just thought that was really cool and a nice thing for the producers to do.
I did it! I made pasta today! It was easy and fun to make and man did it ever taste great! Now that I know I can do it, I don't know if I'll be able to stop!
"Canoe Camping
Knock knock knock knock
Go away.
Wake up go to sleep.
Take my heart and put it out for sale.
Flea market buyers bidding at it like hens.
Nothing but fowl here, nothing but fowl.
I'm not ready for this human life,
not ready for the skills to deal.
Put me away, a bow on my head
send me away as a mantle piece ornament.
What was I saying?
Depressed state of the world.
I'm not feeling it,
It's only crushed my life.
Too selfish to care
Too caring to be selfish.
Pause.
Is this making sense?
You don't understand what I'm saying.
I'm left to my own devices.
A computer screen, and a keyboard
The background noise of 6 million radios
Somewhwere out there I care.
Somewhere out there I'm dead.
Are you taking this at face value? Don't
Take pride in not understanding.
The way I express is not human.
The way I live is not animal.
Focused I may seam,
But how with this constant racket in my head?
Shut up Shut up Shut up
Mumbling on,
Why waste your time?
Not like I feel
Not like I'm human.
Go enjoy Go play Go do
I'll be here"
From harmony in a world of chaos - A blog by Anna Kabal
EDIT: Updated link. -TJB 23 September 2004
Alright! Dinner turned out great =and= I got to eat it. A Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.
Well, today has been great so far, although when I woke up my throat was rather sore. But it's okay now, so my Christmas hasn't been ruined. Yet. I made out pretty well this Christmas as far as presents go. Here's a list of what I got:
So, all in all I think this Christmas has been pretty good as far as presents go. I've been helping my parents cook Christmas dinner and am learning a lot of the techniques and recipies that I've been eating for years. We made the dressing then stuffed the turkey with it and now it's all in the oven. At about 1p we'll start the basting process (or so I'm told). Another important event happening today is talking to Morah on the phone! I don't know at what time I'm going to call her, but it'll be some time this afternoon. Let's see, anything else? Not that I can think of. I'll be sure to let you know about how the pasta making goes!
Today's forecast: Clear, sunny skies.
Today was bad. Today has been the worst day of my entire Christmas break. The worst part is, I don't know why. My throat doesn't feel so bad, I even managed to eat a piece of the lasagna my mom and I made. My neck hurts a lot less than it has been in previous days. But for some reason, I'm about to cry. I'm right on the edge of tears and I don't have the slightest clue why and it's driving me insane. Something is wrong inside of me and I can't figure out what I need to make it right. I don't know if I feel empty without Morah here or if I just miss Hawaii again. Okay, now I'm crying. Or maybe it's both. Last night was terrible, also. I had this nightmare about something, I don't remember what. All I remember is waking up and being terrified of having the covers on me and crying because I was so scared. Then I had this dream about meeting the perfect girl. She was shorter than me and skinny with short black hair. Her style was sort of punk/goth. And her face, oh...her face. I can't describe what she looked like. Suffice to say that I can only describe her looks by trying to explain the way looking at her made me feel. I was happy. I was complete. I needed nothing else out of life as long as I had her. When you looked at her, you couldn't help but smile. You couldn't help but beam, but glow, but feel like every part of you was shining. When you looked at her, every particle of your being shuddered because you had lived your entire life up to that point without ever meeting her. You knew that, no matter what, nothing would ever be the same. You know that person you make eye contact with on the bus or the subway for just a split-second and you want to talk to them, but you don't? Then you think about it later and you wish you had? She was more than that. She was the kind of person who made you feel like, if you didn't go ask her name, or her number, or ask her out on a date, even if she had said no, you'd regret it every moment of your life from then on. She was perfect. And the best part of the dream was that she liked me too. And we were amazed to have found one another because she felt about me how I felt about her. You know that special someone you hear everyone talking about? This chick was my special someone. Then I woke up, and the dream was gone, and so was she. And I'll never see her again.
Right, so my throat still hurts, my back and neck are killing me, my head is throbbing, and what goes and happens? I run out of meds. With no refill. So that means all I can take is Tylenol. Which actually seems to help a little. Not as much as the hydrocodone did, but it helps a bit. I can't wait until this damn pain goes away; all of it. I just want my life to return to normal.
I can't wait for Christmas to come. It's going to be so much fun opening all my presents! I'm quite excited to see what I got. I got to see Morah today and she and I exchanged and opened gifts. She got me the official Iron Chef book. I got her one of the books from her Amazon wishlist. She was pleased. I can't wait to go back to school so that she and I can spend more time together!
Well, I've checked the back of my throat and I'm seeing less white and more pink, which means the scabs are coming off! Woo-hoo! That's the good news. The bad news is that so far, tonight has been hell. I just took more meds about ten minutes ago and they've kicked in, so I feel okay for now. I just hope I can manage to get a decent night's sleep because tomorrow is the big day! Morah is coming to Spokane with her parents to do some last-minute Christmas shopping and I'm going to meet up with her at the mall. Then we're going to go back to my place make love...er, lunch. -) Hee hee. That's the meds talking. We're making lunch for my family tomorrow. We're going to have avocado-brie burgers. It should be cool because the avocado and brie cheese are going to be inside the burger patties when we cook them, so you'll bite into it and get a tasty surprise! I've never done this before, so I hope it turns out well. My friends and family are my favourite guinea-pigs to test my recipes out on.
In other news, the muscles in my neck continue to hurt for no reason. I've tried several combinations of pillows, even a few that included my father's goose-down pillow; all to no avail. Sometimes the pain of everything hurts all at once so much that I want to cry. Usually the only reason I don't is because I'm afraid it will hurt more. I've been trying hard to be strong and brave in the face of this pain. I just try to tell myself that I'm stronger than the pain and that I will prevail. But sometimes I just want to give up. The meds only work for about two hours, then the pain comes back. The last hour is usually hell. Then I take the meds (which burn my throat going down and taste so bad I usually have the urge to throw up) and the whole four-hour process starts again. When it's at its peak for pain, everything hurts. My throat, my neck, my ears, my head, my eyes, my neck. It's all pretty bad.
Oh! My bowels moved for the first time since the day before the operation. I know you didn't need to know that, but it's kind of a big deal since I've been very interested to know when this was going to happen. See, I've been eating solid foods. Not regularly, but there have been days where I've eaten them. I kept wondering why I never pooped it out. Well, today I did. And boy did it hurt. I won't describe it, but suffice to say that it did what all poop does when it gets old: it gets quite firm.
There's one last bit of news that I wanted to share with you today. Well, yesterday, but by the time I publish this it will be the day after I wanted to... You know what, nevermind. The last little thing I wanted to share was a story that my mom told me about while we were shopping for groceries this evening. Here's my version of the article:
DONA VISTA, FLORIDA -- The drivers of two Ford Mustangs raced each other down State Road 19, a small-town highway about 45 miles northwest of Orlando, at speeds of well over 100 mph. One, 21 year-old Dwight Samples, had owned his car for less than two weeks. Suddenly, a slower-moving car appeared ahead, out of nowhere. Unable to swerve, Samples plowed into the back of the car, killing the two women inside. Samples, was airlifted to Orlando Regional Medical Center with wounds suffered when his head went through the Mustang's windshield. He underwent surgery and was in stable condition. A toxicology test was given to Samples, but there is no indication that he was under the influence. Florida Highway Patrol records show Samples had been stopped for speeding four times in the past four years, including once for driving 85 mph in a 55 mph zone.
Later, Samples learned that the women he killed were his mother, Diane Samples, 45, and her friend, Vivian Green, 72. They had been driving around to look at Christmas lights. Troopers are searching for the driver of the other Mustang.
Ouch. My neck is killing me. Not my throat (well, not right now anyway. That pain will come later as the meds start to wear off), my neck. Why is it I can't sleep normally anymore? Did my tonsils work to balance the way my head was positioned on my pillow? I expect my throat to hurt when I wake up in the morning, but not my damn neck. I can't really turn my head without this sharp, stabbing pain. If I want to look from side to side, I have to turn my whole body. I feel like a whale (in case you didn't know, whales can't rotate their eyes. If they want to see side to side they have to turn their entire bodies. Not that it matters much since their eyesight is pretty poor to begin with).
Well, here's how it's been lately. I take meds and feel okay for about an hour and a half to two hours, during which time I drink all the water I can manage. Then for the remaining two hours (since I can only take the stuff once every four hours) I sit around while the pain slowly increases. The last hour is usually quite bad. Swallowing hurts, moving tends to hurt, and sometimes even breathing can hurt. Sometimes I think it feels kind of raw back there, which I take to be a sign that the scabs are coming off. That damn well better be what's going on. The sooner this is over, the better. The post-op sheet they gave me said that when the scabs come off, there is an increase in throat and ear pain. I'll say. It says that it will hurt for a few days, then every day I should start feeling better and better until I heal completely. You know, I think I could stand not being healed by Saturday (I'm supposed to cook lunch for Morah and my family), as long as I'm healed by Christmas.
I suppose I should explain a little about the scabs. They're probably not what you think. You're probably thinking of a red, crusty scab like you get when you scrape your knee. These aren't like that. These are white and, I assume, soft and slimy. They look it, anyway. They're not all crusty and gross. Well, they're gross, but not crusty. I keep checking to see if they're coming off, but I can't tell. It doesn't look like it. The woman on the phone yesterday said they should come off a little bit at a time. So far, I haven't seen any real change in the way they look. I guess I'll just have to hope that everything is going as it should. In the meantime, I'd like to find something that will help my neck feel a bit less stiff.
I called the ENT and they told me that the reason it hurts more is because I'm entering the 'worst part of the procedure.' Huh? How come nobody told me this before? I guess what's happening is that the scabs are falling off. I really should try to get a picture of the scabs for ALLO. The whole back of my throat is white. It looks like I fell asleep outside with my mouth open and it snowed in my mouth. I asked the woman at the ENT why the scabs are white and she didn't know. Anyway, they're supposed to start coming off so for the next few days I'm supposed to be in extreme pain. She told me that, odd as it sounds, the more water I drink, the less it will hurt. Something tells me she's never had her tonsils out. I'm sorry, but it hurts like hell to swallow =ANYTHING=. I bet it's just a ploy to make sure people keep themselves well hydrated. Which I do. I guess I can stand the pain for a couple of days while the scabs fall off. I just hope they come off quickly. Hopefully swallowing all that water encourages them to come off. Now all I have to worry about is water poisoning...
I was disturbed, this morning, to find out that I only have a few doses of hydrocodone left. While the swill does little to actually kill the pain in my throat, it certainly takes a semi-successful stab at numbing the pain. At least I am able to find a short respite once every four hours. After today, that may no longer be so. And the pain does not appear to be subsiding. While I did sleep in an extra hour this morning (causing me to take this morning's dose an hour late), I do not know if I woke up because of the pain or by my own volition. I can only hope it was the latter, for I don't know what I am going to do if I cannot sleep at night.
I am going to call the ENT today and ask them a whole bunch of questions about my throat. For example, "Should it still hurt this much this long after surgery? When is the pain going to stop? What is causing the pain?" My suspicion here is swelling. "Is there anything I can do to relieve the pain or the swelling? What exactly should I be eating?" Damn them, damn them all. I never wanted my tonsils out. I never wanted to get this sick. It screwed everything up! I've all but lost my job at the radio station, I missed a bunch of classes and almost failed math =again=, not to mention a couple of my other classes. It screwed up my effectiveness as an Orientation Leader and a Peer Mentor (two programs in which I enrolled at school). And it has caused me to feel like crap for =BLOODY AGES=. All I want to know is when the hell am I going to be normal again? I've felt like shit ever since September 19th and all I want is to not feel terrible for the rest of the fucking year. I mean, that's almost one-third of the year I've been sick or in pain or just feeling generally crappy. Argle bargle.
Finally, I'd like to share the following with you. I found this to be the AIM away message for my good friend Kris.
"I like cheese. It is good. I want to make my own cheese. I would call it 'Kris'Cheese'. That would be yummy. It would be shaped like a kitty. But then I would be sad eating it because I like kitties. But then, when I get lonely I could talk to it and pet it like I would a kitty. I could also save money on cat food. I would still have to worry about dogs chasing after it. But at least it wouldn't poop on the rug."
What a crazy guy.
That word just about describes how I feel today. But you can't say it fast, you have to sort of drag it out a bit, you know, make it sound gross. Ooblah. Yuck. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do. I've been drinking water all day. I thought it might be due to my lack of anything to eat, but when confronted with food I find myself unable to consume much more than several bites. So what the hell is it that makes me feel ooblah? Perhaps it's the fact that all the water I've been drinking is tap water. See, in Hawaii, it's okay to drink the tap water. Here in Washington, however, it's apparently a mortal sin. Anyway, my point is that I'm used to living in Hawaii where tap water is safe for human consumption. I guess here in Washington (as with most places on the mainland) you're not supposed to drink the tap water without running it through a Brita (and even then...).
I got to talk to Morah on the phone today. That was nice. She called me while I was trying to eat dinner for the first time (there were two attempts because the first was unsuccessful due to some rice). We were on the phone for almost an hour and talked about all sorts of stuff. That was a nice little surprise that I appreciated. The funny thing is, I had been thinking about calling her and surprising her. The only reason I haven't yet is because of my throat. Stupid throat. I'm quite non-plussed by the slow rate at which my throat is healing. I had damn well better be able to eat real food by Saturday. Argle bargle.
Wow, I feel a lot better today. I think the swelling has started to go down. My neck still hurts, but I was able to sleep on my back again last night. I tried to see if I could last all night without the hydrocodone, but I woke up around 3a and decided that I did need it after all. You should see the back of my throat, it's pretty gross. I won't describe it because I wouldn't want any weak-stomached readers to lose their lunch on the keyboard. I just hope I feel better every day. I want to be at least 90% recovered by Saturday, if not 100%. They say it takes about 7 to 10 days, so we'll see. All I know is, if I can't eat a normal Christmas dinner, there's going to be Hell to pay...
Argle bargle. I feel so crappy. My throat hurts a lot. So does my neck because I have to sleep sitting up. I have to sleep sitting up because I can't lie on my back and breath out of my nose at the same time. I can breath in and out of my mouth, and in my nose, but not out. So when I lie on my back and try to breath out my nose, I choke and panic. So that's no good.
I just learned that Mark Mothersbaugh does the music for Rugrats. That's really cool. In case you didn't know, Mark Mothersbaugh is one of the guys from Devo (remember the song "Whip It"?) and he did a good portion of the music from Rushmore (1998).
Anyway, I just thought I'd mention that I'm feeling crappy and that I miss Morah and love her. I might get to see her on Dec. 22nd. If possible, she's going to come into Spokane and we'll go Christmas shopping together, then come home and make a gourmet lunch for my family (what with my being such an excellent cook and all). -)
Wow. Two interesting things happened today and they both had to do with girls. First, and most importantly, Morah broke up with Bob. Which means she's single. Which means the girl I've fallen in love with and who has fallen in love with me over the past few months is available. I can finally go out with her officially. And that makes me happy as a clam. Are clams happy? Anyway, she and I can finally be a couple. Which means it gets a whole lot better from here on out. I love you, Morah.
The other interesting thing has to do with a girl I fooled around with last year. A little history lesson is in order before I tell you what happened today. Her name is Mandy. She was the first girl I fooled around with at EWU. I saw her topless, she saw me nude, we touched and kissed and had fun in various little ways, but never had sex (intercourse or otherwise). Then she decided that things were happening too fast with us and I had to sleep in my own bed. But I still pursued her. Then she started flirting with this other guy and I got really jealous and things just fell apart between us. There was a half-hearted attempt to revive things around Christmas time that lead nowhere. So she started seeing this other guy named Joe or something. I guess he got her pregnant at some point (or someone got her pregnant, I don't know who and I don't want to make false allegations). I found this out when she was three weeks. She's now due in nine days.
So here's the freaky part. She got online and started talking to me today and here's what she said: "...the baby's father and I might get back together in which case we would get a place together by april or may."
To which I replied, "Get back together? You're not still together?"
"No, he cheated on me on my bday in July when I was four months pregnant," she said. She went on to tell me about his pot smoking habits and how he hasn't given her any support and that she'll probably have to take him to court. So I figure, well she made a mistake that's going to haunt her for the rest of her life. But then the conversation takes an odd turn. I told her about Morah and how she's single now.
"Use your sweet talking, the way you win over all the pretty girls," she advised.
I replied, "Is that how I won you over?"
"That is... no it was your cuteness and flirtatiousness about you I'd say."
"Oh," I said, a little nervous, "You think I'm cute?"
"You really know how to use that stuff to your advantage!"
"You really think so?" I inquire out of curiosity, "I don't think I'm that cute."
"Yes of course you are!" she exclaimed. Then the whole freaky truth came out. "I remember when Kristi and I FIRST met you! You were in your room on your computer and we were walking around looking at the "new kids" so we saw you and we went down and told everyone that we had just met THE hottest guy! We didn't stop talking about you for hours!"
"Really?" I replied sheepishly, "Now I'm turning all red."
"Yes really. We were hoping so bad that you would go to the football game that day with us! And you did. We were in heaven."
In heaven? So, is it just me or does it seem a little odd that the single mother (who doesn't hold out much hope of the biological father ever coming back to join the family) is telling me all this now? I mean, maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I feel like she's trying to win me back. I mean, think about it. Mandy and I are attracted to each other, then we have a bad falling out. We try to get back together but it doesn't work out. Then when she's in an increasingly desperate position she starts telling me that she thinks I'm cute and that she was in heaven hanging out with me. Like I said, maybe it's just me, but I think she wants me back.
So I got my tonsils out yesterday. Boy, was that ever interesting. It was terrible! The woman who was inserting the IV tried my left hand twice and failed both times (on account of my tough skin and the fact that I was nervous). It hurt a lot which didn't help at all. She got another nurse to come over to do the right hand. The second nurse got it on the first try, but between hands I started to get light-headed and I almost passed out. It was not okay. A little while later they took me into the O.R. and laid me out on the table. The anesthesiologist put a mask on my face and told me it was oxygen, but then it started to smell funny, so I knew they were trying to knock me out. It was making it hard to breathe (especially since I felt like the funny-smelling stuff was being forced into my lungs), but I knew I needed to breathe it in, so there was this huge fight between my body and my brain. The next thing I know, I'm waking up in a bed somewhere else. It wasn't too bad, actually. I was =really= groggy at first, but I started coming out of it fairly quickly.
After I got home, I slept for a good portion of the day. I'm still quite tired now. I've managed water, Gatorade, applesauce, little peach cubes, Otter Pops and a generic brand of popsicle. And my liquid medication, of course. My throat doesn't actually hurt that much, but the doctor said the swelling and pain should peak within 36hrs, so we'll see what happens. It's not fair that I don't get to eat anything. My favourite channel is Food Network and I was looking through a new issue of Food & Wine. I'm frickin' hungry. Oh well, at least my tonsils will never bother me again.
The doctor said that once he got them out, it was good that we did because they were starting to swell again and I would have gotten sick again. He also said there was minimal bleeding, so that's good. I can't really thingk of anything else to say about it. I would have gotten pictures for ALLO, but I didn't think about it until the night before and I didn't feel comfortable asking a nurse to do it the day of. It seemed like something that should have been planned out before hand.
Well, I'm having my tonsils out tomorrow at 8a. I'm very nervous. They're going to put an I.V. in my arm and I'm not sure I'm okay with that. The prospect scares the hell out of me. I don't know why, but it does. And it doesn't help that =EVERYONE= tells me that my throat is going to be really sore. Okay! I get it! It's going to blow ass! Everyone seems to want to tell me these horror stories about their friends who had a recovery time of two weeks or more. It's been driving me nuts.
I'm not sure what else to tell. I'd tell you everything that's going on in my head, but it concerns people who read this who wouldn't want me talking about them.
Morah's well. She's been trying to figure things out. Honestly, I think she's got it all figured out, but can't muster the strength to commit to her decision. It doesn't matter, I love her either way. I'll be sure to keep you posted on the details.
ALLO v5.13 © 2008 Thomas J. Brown under a Creative Commons License.
Be my boss!
If you visit my Amazon.com PayPage, you can pay me as little as $1. I could be your underpaid employee!
