Archive for July, 2002

Stupid Deals For Stupid People

What’s the deal with all these companies wanting to approve people with bad credit for loans and such? Oh sure, it sounds like a great deal. “Bad credit? No credit? No problem! We want to approve you for a new car!” How is that a deal? Oh wait! I understand now! You start out with bad credit, get a new car you can’t afford, and make your credit worse thereby destroying your life forever! It all makes sense to me now.

Still She Haunts Me

It’s amazing how, even now, something so innocuous as Her handwriting can bring the pain flooding back.

Keith Perch leads A Life Less Ordinary

“We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the MALE perspective.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say what you want!

We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes – tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

If you won’t dress like the Bra’s n’ Things girls, don’t expect us to act like movie star guys.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.”

From Documents, a blog by Keith Perch.

Alton Brown Is The Man!

I wish the shows on Food TV would agree with one another. Good Eats and Food 911 offered vastly differing methods of preparing artichoke, which isn’t a problem. It’s just that Food 911 made it seem like certain steps are required (and ended up with some pretty ugly artichoke), whereas Good Eats proved they weren’t (and, interestingly, ended up with nicer looking artichoke).

Random Thoughts…

You know, Spy TV would be a much more interesting show if they had cameras hidden in girls’ locker rooms and showers.

Death From Above

So there’s this mile-wide asteroid that’s headed for earth and could potentially kill us all. But it’s seventeen years away, so I’m not sweating it.

Get it first, then get it right.

I was driving home today and I saw a homeless man on the side of the road. There was nothing terribly special about this guy, he looked scrubby, he was standing where homeless people often do, and he had the obligatory cardboard sign that requested food and funds. In fact, it was his sign that set him apart in my mind. There was nothing clever written on it. The only thing textual that set it apart from other signs was that there was a lot more writing than usual. It had a few peace signs drawn on it, though I’m unclear as to their desired effect. Rather, it was the way the man was holding the sign that caught my eye and made me feel truly sorry for him. Bless his poor heart, he was holding it upside-down.

I also realized that I missed work this morning. For some reason, I was assigned a random morning shift. 7-9 in the morning. Nothing too bad, but certainly out of the ordinary. The shift was my only scheduled one today, but I forgot about it until about two this afternoon. Can you really blame me, though? All I ever work is four to midnight on any given day and all of a sudden I have a single morning shift. There aren’t any other morning shifts on my schedule for over a month. So of course it’s easy for someone (namely someone with ADD such as myself) so forget about it. Not on purpose, mind you. I feel bad; when I wrote it down I tried to make a note in my mind to remember it. To my credit, I did remember it. Sadly, I remembered about seven hours too late. Speaking of the news…

Get it first, then get it right. That’s the rule of thumb when reporting the news. At least, that’s what everyone around my news station says. It’s a rule that we seem to follow quite closely. We did a story about a man in Seattle who fell to his death at the new Seahawks stadium. Then we teased it as a man who jumped to his death. Now we’re back to saying he fell. And that’s just one example of erroneous information that gets reported all the time. So next time you’re watching the news, just remember that the ‘facts’ you hear may be nothing more than hearsay.

Man, what a crazy world we live in.

Wow, what a night. Some guy with a gun took his seven year old son hostage over a domestic dispute which ended up causing the police to close off a ten block area. Two cars and a motorcycle got into a crash which killed at least one person so far. There was an E. coli breakout at EWU that has caused nine (reported) people to get sick so far. And that’s just what I can remember as happening in Spokane from doing the news earlier.

All I wanted was a smoothie…

There’s a stuttering clinic at EWU that takes place during the summer. Supposedly it’s the only one of its kind in the United States. One of the things the people who enroll in this clinic have to do is approach a complete stranger and talk to them. Yesterday, one of them approached me. It was interesting. He had to introduce a couple of people that were walking around with him as well as himself. Every time he stuttered he had to mark it down a little notepad. He didn’t do too bad of a job, but it was clear that he was nervous. I hope another person approaches me, it was quite interesting.

There’s something else I was going to blog about, but I can’t recall what it was. Oh well.

I’m Going to Get Fat

So I go in to work last night and I’m scooping myself out a nice cup of stale popcorn, when I look over and notice that there’s now a slushie machine in the break room. A free slushie machine. Needless to say that the machine had to be tested and you know what? It’s not that bad. Looks like it’s stale popcorn and slushie headaches for Thomas everyday! Yay!

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