Well poo. My 7 to 10 page paper for Film History is due tomorrow and I don’t understand half of what I’m talking about. Not that I expected to get 100% on this paper, but I would like to get a passing grade. On top of that, the rough cut of my second documentary is due tomorrow as well and my computer won’t import footage. I have a headache…
Archive for November, 2002
Talk about ups and downs. For a while, things were really hectic, then they were good, and now they’re more stressful than ever. All this and I’m trying to balance work into the mix. I get the feeling that there are a bunch of PSAs that won’t make it on the air due to my inability to get into the studio and cut them. Well, such is life.
Well, I went out with the belly dancer again tonight (the girl that I tried to take to the coffee shop). We went and saw a play here at EWU. It was a production of The Madwoman Of Chaillot. It was… verbose. I don’t know. It was okay, but it was pretty dull. There were some pretty funny bits, though. I’m not really sure I liked the way it ended; it seemed like a cop-out. But that’s not the point. The point is that I went out with Jenna again and that things seemed to go pretty well. She even came back up to my room for a drink after the play. Sadly, I’m not sure if she’s interested in me or not. Sometime I’ll have to get her drunk and ask her when I know she’s too drunk to be anything but honest.
I’m on AIM today and I look at Her info box (as I’m prone to do from time to time) and She claims that I owe Her $100, though I can’t for the life of me imagine why. It’ll be interesting to see what Her response is.
I hate formatting my hard drive. I always install all the drivers I can think of and I =still= end up with mysterious unknown devices. I wonder what I’m forgetting…
Well hell. So tonight I try to be all slick and shit and take this girl down to a local coffee shop. Sadly, neither of us has a car, so we had to walk. Not that the walk was all that long or difficult, but it’s an inconvenience. So we walk down to the coffee shop (which takes about 15 to 20 minutes), only to find out that it’s closed. So I’m standing there, mortified because our date is now all fucked up and I don’t look as cool as I was hoping. It didn’t seem to bother her terribly that the coffee shop wasn’t open, so to make up for it we walk to this other coffee place that I know will be open. Then my ex comes along and sits with us for a while, which wasn’t a big deal, but it was pretty weird trying to be on a date and having my ex sitting there talking to us.
I don’t know what the fuck is going on there. Hopefully she finds me interesting. I don’t know. I guess by now you’ve figured out that Morah and I are no longer together. Don’t get all weepy, nothing bad happened. We just decided that it would be the way to go for a while. Perhaps we’ll get back together later, but for now it’s other people for us.
I don’t feel like killing myself all the time, now. Just part of the time. Whatever. All I know is that I want to move to London and live there for a while. Perhaps I could get a job in a pub or something. I don’t know. I probably won’t because I’m a big pussy, but it would certainly be a fun little adventure.
I hate everything and everyone. I hate my life and I hate everyone that claims to be my friend. I have no friends, only acquaintances. Maybe that’s why no one finds me attractive. I don’t know, I guess I’m just a born loser. No one holds empathy for me. Oh sure, I can find sympathy, that’s easy. What I need is empathy. Fuck me. I’m half drunk and I feel like shit; both physically and emotionally. I feel betrayed by people I never imagined would betray me. I feel very, very alone. No one here understands me. No one here has even the slightest idea what’s running through my mind, although some people claim to know me inside and out. Not that you’ll ever read this, babe, but you don’t know me at all. Fuck me and fuck Halloween.
See, this is why I can’t ever own a gun; it’s dangerous to my personal safety. Sometimes I think I should be around people. Sometimes it seems like that’s the solution. But I’ve found that it’s not the solution and that people suck. Anyway, I needed to tell someone how I feel. Maybe I need new friends. Maybe I should stop longing for old ones. To quote a song that has nothing to do with my current situation, “I hope I die before I get old.”