Archive for February, 2003

How to get a $5 burger for $3.

Remember how I said I was going to meet an old friend while in Moscow? Well I did. When I first met her four years ago, I thought she was hot. Nothing could have possibly prepared me for seeing her again. Holy hell. Now, four years later, hot doesn’t begin to describe how breathtakingly beautiful she is. And she’s more than just physically attractive, she’s got a great personality, too. You know how most attractive girls are bitches? Not this chick. It was cool to see how alike we both are in terms of our likes and dislikes, as well as the way we think. Certain people are going to read this and I’m going to be in trouble…

Speaking of the Lionel Hampton Jazz Festival, it was awesome (of course). I got to meet Terry Gibbs (the premiere vibes player in the world and all-around nice guy). I don’t think I blogged about it, but about two weeks ago I did an interview with him on the phone for the radio station. We saw a lot of really famous people such as (in no particular order) Lou Rawls, Hank Jones, Jeff Hamilton, Wally ‘Gator’ Watson, Bucky Pizzarelli (=WAY COOL=), Russel Malone, Lewis Nash, Roy Hargrove, Evelyn White, John Clayton, Benny Green, Mansound, Kenny Barron, Ernie Andrews, Eldar Djangirov (simply amazing), and many more. It was fun to be able to go backstage and meet the performers. Perhaps next year I’ll have my new camera (hopefully I’ll be able to go next year!).

And finally, one other somewhat disconnected thought:

Last night I went back to KREM to shoot some stuff for our current project. On our way home, Aaron (the director) and I were both hungry, so we decided to go to Jack in the Box. Trouble is, they only take cash or cheque, of which I had neither. Aaron had about $3.06, so the guy at the register did his best to get me a Sourdough Jack. Here’s what happened:

He rings up a Big Cheeseburger, so we’re at $0.99. Then he removes the American cheese and substitutes in Swiss; no additional charge there. He adds tomato; no charge. He subs sourdough bread; add $0.29. He adds bacon; add $0.49. And what’s a meal without a drink? Tack on one kid’s sized drink for $0.99, add 8% sales tax, and you get a total of $2.98. Bear in mind, the Sourdough Jack alone costs $2.99. Talk about budget shopping, I will forever on order this when I go into a Jack in the Box. As always, individual results may vary. I have no idea if this will work again, but I intend to find out.

Clever Porn

Well, I’ve managed to simmer down a bit. Morah and I are talking, and that’s good. We’ll see what happens.

I was poking around on the Internet the other day (do you ever read people’s Blogs and wonder how they ended up finding the crap they link to?) and I saw an interesting looking ad, so I clicked on it. It took me a page called American Singles (or something like that), which was rather unexpected based on the ad. Their site then popped up an ad for Matchmaker.com that wanted you to enter your zip code and the sex of the people you’re interested in meeting. I thought, “What the hell?” and entered my info. What I found was interesting, indeed. The results all included pictures and, scanning through them, I found the following two people:

 

The first girl is named Jennifer (I think) and the other girl is Chantel. I know them because I go to school with them. Now I can say that real people actually do use such services.

Speaking of singles sites, I got two e-mails today that blew me away. It’s pretty normal for me to get junk mail, so I go through =every= e-mail and block the offending sender’s address. While this is somewhat tedious, I’m preventing myself from having to sift through hundreds of useless e-mails looking for the one or two from people I actually want to hear from. I normally get ads for any number of services; pornography being no exception. Today, however, porn-spam got smarter. I received two e-mails from lauramross@excite.com. The first was as follows:

[SNIP]

Date: 2/20/2003 2:56:43 PM

To: mwproductions@hawaii.com

From: “lauramross@excite.com”

Subject: Laura from Match.com!

Hello… I hope you still remember me, you sent me a message on Match.com a while back. Well I could not get back to you then because I started dating someone. It didn’t work as well as I thought it would so I am single again. “)

My ad/profile is expired now but I recall reading yours. You seemed like my type, and it also sounded like we had alot in common.

I love to joke and have fun. I am open and honest and upfront, and very down to earth. Guys tell me that I am pretty blunt, but I figure that’s the best way to be. I think that most often, relationships are for the wrong reasons, and then… all that is left are bitter feelings. I’m not like that at all… I am an open and honest girl and am very comfortable with everything about myself. Send a picture if you have one because I don’t remeber seeing one on the website.

Now that I am back in the dating scene, I decided to write back to you. I will attach my pic so that you can see if you remember me.

I’d love to get together sometime… What are your plans for the weekend? How about then? So I guess that it all depends on if you attracted to me or not. I am sure you won’t be disappointed though. Well… I am very exited about the possibilities of me and you!

This is getting pretty long and I don’t want to bore you so I will stop now.

Write back soon !!

Laura =)

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[/SNIP]

The second e-mail read:

[SNIP]

Date: 2/20/2003 4:35:56 PM

To: mwproductions@hawaii.com

From: “lauramross@excite.com”

Subject: It’s Laura again.

Hi, it’s Laura again =)

The email that I last sent you came back to me with an error. It shows that the attachment that I sent did not go through? Huh, that’s odd! Anyways, here is a link to my personal homepage but please promise to keep it discreet. http://www.5mbfreehost.com/laurashomepage

I will see you soon… Let me know what you think K! Laura xoxo!

[/SNIP]

Don’t forget that I grew up in the advertising industry where some of the best ad-minds in the world were working. I was exposed to these people regularly, so I have a pretty good idea of what makes an ad great. While this ad wouldn’t pass muster, I’m certainly impressed at the lengths taken to disguise its validity. Even I was temporarily fooled. What threw me was that I used to have a profile on Match.com and it’s not unreasonable to think that I may have talked to someone and been in this situation.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about how clever this is all day. I guess I’m just silly.

History Repeats Itself

“The only second chance you get is the chance to make the same mistake twice.”

I had two second chances.

Two girls and two second chances.

I tried with one of them.

I made the same mistake.

One down, one to go.

Photo Essay: An Anal Look At Anal Lube

Today I was looking for a picture I had seen previously on the Internet that featured a couple on the couch and a tub of anal lube on the table next to them. It didn’t take me long to find the picture. After I saved the image (so I could e-mail it to a friend who wanted to see it), I started looking at some of the other pictures. What I found was the potential to do a very interesting study on lubricants. For example, the original ANAL LUBE brand anal lube (as seen in the photograph) is also available in a cinnamon scent (note that it’s “HOT” anal lube). I suppose it could be cinnamon flavored, but I wasn’t able to find any proof either way. Another hot anal lube to try is HOT GEL, although considering it’s a pain in the ass (no pun intended) when my anus burns after eating spicy food, I don’t think this would be very comfortable (comfort is, I feel, a quality that is desirable in any anal lube). Other “flavors” include a cherry flavored anal lube called ANAL EAZE. More experienced users may wish to try Adam & Eve PRO ANAL LUBE (amateurs need not apply). For an “out-of-this-world” experience, try PROBE brand anal lube. Note the alien-green coloring of the bottles. REAR ENTRY brand anal lube claims that it, “Numbs your most sensitive spots.” I can also see a sticker on the bottle that reads, “Learning the ropes.” I’m not sure I want to know. In times of national tragedy, the country must come together and always be sure to buy American products. ANAL LUBE brand anal lube (which is apparently different from the other ANAL LUBE brand anal lube insofar as it doesn’t have a handy pump dispenser) is “Made in the USA” and comes in both original and cherry scents.

In my search I was able to find a number of products that bothered me slightly. Two brands of anal lube I would never use based on their name alone are LUBRIFIST and SPIKE (despite the fact SPIKE claims to be, “The ultimate anal lube.”). Probably the oddest and most unsettling anal lube I was able to find was Crisco.

The moral of the story? There are a lot of great anal lubes on the market, but when the time comes to choose one, don’t be too anal about it.

UPDATE: Comments temporarily closed due to absurd amounts of spam.

The Storm

Today’s forcast: Storm warning.

Bang Bang

I got shot at today. Two guys fired three rounds at me. My elbow hurts from where I hit the ground. Oh, did I mention that the gun had blanks in it?

Still No Good At Dating

Well, I was stood up again. I should have seen it coming, and in a way, I did. All day I was looking forward to going out with her and all day there was this little voice in the back of my head warning me not to get too excited. Sure enough, within 30 minutes of our departure, she tells me that she’d rather go do something else with other people. I wonder if she realizes that she’s acting just like Will? Anyway, I hope she had a good time because instead of going to the poetry reading, I sat in my room and cried.

FUBU means, “Fuck you, big ugly.”

Oh my god! I can’t live with this kind of stupidity! The guy down the hall who thinks I’m a racist is at it again. Tonight, I was hanging out with Jenna (the belly dancer) in my room. At one point in the evening, we left my room and went down into the lobby. It was just after we left my room that the ‘altercation’ occured. First, I’ll tell you what really happened so that you have a frame of reference.

Jenna and I leave my room.

I pull my door shut behind me.

The noise of the door closing arouses the guy’s curiosity.

He walks around the corner at the far end of the hall (to see who made the noise).

I hear someone behind me, so I turn around to see who it is.

I see that it is the guy.

He sees that it is me.

He walks back around the corner.

I turn around and put my arm around Jenna.

The last two actions happened simultaneously. Here’s his version (based on second hand information and mild speculation):

Someone leaves a room.

I go around the corner to see who it is.

I see that it is Thomas.

He sees me.

He gives me a dirty look.

He turns around a whispers something to the girl he is with.

They leave.

I walk back around the corner.

Now I know he’s just making shit up so he has an excuse to continue being a racist and not feel bad about it. I didn’t say anything to Jenna about him and I certainly didn’t give him a dirty look. He’s a 300lb black guy! That’s a chance I’m not willing to take. In fact, I’ve never been anything but polite to him (and his roommate, although I’m not sure if his roommate feels the same way about me) and he’s never been anything but rude to me.

And I don’t have allergies, either.

Today’s forcast: Blue skies all around me.