Archive for September, 2004

Irate Viewers

Every TV station gets its share of calls from (dumb) irate viewers. About a quarter of the time their complaints don’t really apply to the station (especially when they call the wrong the station).

Here’s what one dumbass– Er, valuable viewer had to say recently:

Hi. I have an issue and I was wondering why the candidates running for office right now aren’t addressing the issue of building a fiber infrastructure to speed up internet connections so that it will make things run a lot faster. It would be better for business. So we won’t be behind all of the other countries. Smaller countries that are advancing and getting very cheap internet.


A friend of mine works on the set of FOX’s show, Northshore. Here’s what he has to say about it:

Over 200 men and women, good and true, bust their ass twelve-to-fourteen hours a day making a beautiful LOOKING show. The problem, however, is that there is one talentless hack sitting behind a typewriter in LA shitting all over our work. I could write a better script by tapping my ass cheeks randomly against a keyboard. This joker has no concept of how to tell stories about my lovely homeland.

Saturday, Bloody Saturday

Before I forget again, I wanted to mention that I never understood how people could sleep through their alarms. I often wear earplugs when I sleep and I’ve never slept through my alarm for more than a minute. It probably helps that I have Morah next to me so she can elbow me until I wake up and turn it off, but there have been plenty of times when she wasn’t around.

You’ll understand, then, that I was rather taken aback this past Thursday when I woke up to my alarm going off, only to see that I had slept through about thirty-four minutes of it. That’s right, my alarm had been going off for over half an hour before I finally woke up and turned it off.

Talk about a crappy way to start your day, huh?

Saturday was an odd day. A whole bunch of crappy stuff happened (see infra), but enough good things happened that it balanced out to be an “average” day. Not good, not bad, just a balance of the two.

Morah’s mum and sister were in town visiting. Good. This is her sister’s last visit before she moves to Colorado. Bad. We had Quiznos for lunch. Good. The restaurant smelled like a zoo. Bad. We got to go to World Market (and, of course, bought stuff). Good. That night, I accidentally cut my finger with a knife while cutting a bagel. Bad. At Starbucks, the (hot) girl made my frappuccino perfectly. Good. We got pulled over on the way home (one of the headlamps was out). Bad. We went to the park and rode the carousel. Good. Morah visited her ex-fiance Bob in the hospital (nothing tragic happened, he was in for a long-awaited kidney transplant (he got the kidney from his current girlfriend)) and the visit made her really uncomfortable. Bad.

There were other things that all added up to a mediocre day.

To leave things on a happier note, this is super funny.

Friday Funday IV

Friday Funday is a way for me to bring you some fun and interesting links from my travels around the internet during the previous week.

Pup shoots man, saves litter mates []

Proof that stupid people sometimes get what they deserve.

Smoking Kills []

The next time someone says that they could kill for a cigarette, they may actually mean it.

“Wacko-Jacko” Halloween Mask []

This is quite probably the single most disturbing Halloween mask I’ve ever seen.

Petals Around The Rose []

A brain teaser of sorts. I don’t see what the big deal is, I figured it out on my first roll…

Potter Puppet Pals []

The =new= adventures of Harry Potter. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And while you’re afraid, be sure to check out Sexy Snape. I suggest watching it with your browser set to fullscreen mode.

On Dr. Phil and Threesomes

I was watching Dr. Phil yesterday and he said that he thinks people should do anything they want to spice up their sex lives, but that they should never bring another person into it. He said every single instance he’s ever seen of people bringing someone else into their relationship results in one or both of the partners feeling uncomfortable about it later on. He said, “it never works. Never.”

I feel that I should stand up and defend polyamory for a moment. Actually, perhaps I should defend common sense first. People go to Dr. Phil when they have problems, not when things are going well. Ergo, if people are having consensual, polyamorous relationships and everything is hunky dory, then it’s working, isn’t it?

What the big problem with polyamory? I think a large part of it is that people in this country tend to be really rather conservative when it comes to sex; especially “taboo” sex. The same can be said about homosexual and bisexual relationships. If what people do in the privacy of their own homes doesn’t effect anyone, why is it any of your business? Why does it matter to anyone else? What right does Dr. Phil, the President, or anyone else have to tell people what they can and can’t do (not that Dr. Phil is saying that people can’t do what they want, just that they shouldn’t). Just because something doesn’t turn you on, doesn’t mean there aren’t hundreds, thousands, or millions of people who =are= turned on by it. For example, I don’t like piss-porn. But there are tons of websites out there dedicated to exactly that. Does that make it wrong? No. Unsanitary and probably not a very good idea, but not wrong.

All that having been said, I do agree with the basic message that Dr. Phil is saying. Despite his conviction that couples should never bring another person into the relationship, I agree that, if a couple is having problems in their relationship or problems in their sex life, the answer is =most likely= not to bring a third person in. Also, if no problems exist, bringing a third person in might create them.

The biggest problem is that, because people are afraid to talk about “taboo” sex subjects, they might not fully discuss the implications such an action will have on their relationship (not to mention that most couples have problems communicating anyway).

First, both partners have to be honest. If you’re not telling each other the whole truth, that’s a problem. A lot of people are afraid that if they go against their partner’s wishes, that their partner will cheat on them or leave them (this was definitely a concern for the couple that Dr. Phil was counseling). Honesty is the best policy. Truth best. Period. If you can’t be completely open and honest with your partner, something is wrong. That is, in my mind, the single largest red flag in a relationship. If you can’t be honest with each other, the relationship will always have problems.

Second, you have to trust your partner (red flag subject number two). If you don’t trust your partner, that’s a giant red flag. If you think they don’t trust you, then you don’t trust them and that’s a giant red flag. If they actually tell you that they don’t trust you, that’s a giant red flag. Without trust, you can’t have a normal, functioning relationship and you certainly can’t have multiple-partner sex.

Third, you must communicate (another red flag subject). Quite probably the largest problem that couples face is a lack of communication. If you ever feel like you can’t talk to your partner or you just aren’t getting through (like, your partner isn’t listening to you), then you’re not communicating and the relationship will have problems. If you want to have a polyamorous relationship, it’s going to rely very heavily on communication. A lot of couples run into trouble when one partner (usually the woman, but not always) has their feelings hurt by the suggestion of multiple-partner sex. They wonder what it is about them that’s causing the other person to desire sex with other people. They feel inadequate because they think they aren’t satisfying their partner. They think their partner is no longer attracted to them or has grown bored of them. And while this is true in some relationships, often time the arousal is in sharing that experience. The guy on Dr. Phil kept emphasizing that his fantasy is not to have sex with two women, but to have sex with his wife and another woman.

Fourth, you have to compromise (red flag again). Stop for a moment and be honest with yourself. Be 100% honest and totally selfish. Don’t worry about what your answer means, just be realistic and truthful; you’re not going to hurt anyone here. Think about the person you are currently with; your girlfriend, husband, lover, whatever. Think about their body, their voice, their personality, their sexual style and drive, everything that makes them who they are. Now, can you imagine a more perfect person? I don’t mean, “Oh sure, Sally’s good, but Jennifer is perfect!” No, this more perfect person can’t be based on anyone. They must be a completely fictitious person that embodies everything you’ve wanted in a partner. Now, can you imagine a more perfect person that who you’re with now? Don’t say no, that makes you a liar. Could she stand to lose a little weight? Could he help out around the house a little more? Could she stop nagging you about something? Could he be more romantic? Don’t think about these things in terms of, “Well, knowing him, no, he couldn’t be more romantic.” You’re supposed to be selfish here. Are you guys having as much sex as you wish you were? Do you feel like she’s holding you back? Do you wish he would stop complaining when you’re shopping at the mall? Truth be told, everyone can imagine a more perfect person and you can’t be offended if your partner admits it, because I know you can do it too. Now, before you flame me, think about your partner again. You can =imagine= a more perfect person, but do they exist? Remember what it is about your partner that made you fall in love in the first place. Remember the fun you’ve had together, the romance, the bond that has been created. Just because you can imagine this more perfect person, does that mean that they exist? No, of course not. The odds are really against you with this one because no one is perfect. Does that mean you have to accept flaws? Yes, you must compromise and settle for less than perfect. That doesn’t mean you love them any less. In fact, a lot of people point out flaws as reasons they love someone.

So if you’re already making certain compromises, it won’t hurt you to make a few more, will it? If you talk to your wife and she says she wishes you were more romantic, ask her what her dream date is and surprise her with it. And in the meantime, leave little notes for her in places you know she’ll find when you’re not around. If your husband expresses the desire to have extra-martial sex but you’re not into that, try to find a middle ground. Don’t forget that the mind is more powerful than real life (ever wonder why they don’t show you the monster in scary movies until the end? It’s because your mind makes it scarier on its own). A good middle ground would be to let his mind do the work. Talk dirty while you’re having sex; tell him his fantasy and let him imagine what it would be like.

The biggest thing about the four red flags is that they all work together. You have to communicate to trust, but you have to trust to communicate. You have to be honest when you communicate in order to build that trust. You have to compromise when you communicate and build trust based on honesty.

What Dr. Phil didn’t seem to realise is that there are people out there who make it work because they love one another, they know they love one another (because they communicate) and they understand the reason for the desire to be polyamorous. They know that, at the end of the day, they’ll still love each other and that they have both agreed to live the lifestyle.

“It’s pronounced, ‘FAH-QUE’.”

Hey, fah-que you too, buddy.

Anyway, as you may have noticed, I have added a FAQ to my site. You will be able to find answers to such popular and riveting questions as, “What’s the deal with this thing?” and “I don’t like your site.” More than just a resource, the new ALLO FAQ is peppered with humour (I was going to say that it was salted with humour, but that was too generic, and cumined with humour just didn’t roll off the tongue as well as I had hoped. Perhaps it could be tumericed with humour? Or cream of tartared with humour?).

In all honesty, this is a FAQ that doesn’t take itself too seriously, but still attempt to do its job (no matter how half-heartedly). I will be expanding it in the near (read: distant) future, so where ever you see the FAQ icon, feel free to click on it and read the faq.

As per usual, feedback is appreciated.

UPDATE: I removed the image from the post because I’m not using it anymore and it kept generating 404 errors.

Friday Funday III

Friday Funday is a way for me to bring you some fun and interesting links from my travels around the internet during the previous week. []

Remember those crazy Quiznos spots with the singing vermin? You know the ones, “WE LOVE THE SUBS! CUZ THEY ARE GOOD TO US!” Yeah, well, this is the website of Joel Veitch, the guy who created them. Click on “We Like The Moon”. It’s just as wacky as the commercials were and probably deserves a not-work-safe rating, but what the hell.

100 Photographs that Changed the World []

Well, 28 photographs, actually. This is a preview LIFE’s 100 Photographs that Changed the World. Some of these I’ve seen a million times, some I had never seen before. Each of the photos has a caption that taught me something I hadn’t known about the image.

US Missile Kills Journalist []

I know, not such a fun link for your Friday Funday, but a sobering reminder that the war is still going on and it still sucks.

Slide Rule Still Rules []

“Decades have passed since the pocket calculator relegated the trusty slide rule to near obscurity. Now, an exhibit celebrates the lengthy history of the device, featuring the slide rules of celebrity geeks.”

Measures of Personal Security in Case of the Seizing of an Airplane by Terrorists []

You know the safety information cards they have in the pouch in front of you on airplanes? Now Tajik Air has a special section on how to react to a terrorist hijacking. There are English translations on the card, but they aren’t that good. “In call you hear clashes in the airplane’s saloon when the task force uses the light grenades or tear-gas, close your eyes and do not stir them blind is as you can.” Huh?

Original Sin

If you watch TV (something that men 18-34 are doing less), you’ve probably seen the spots for the new McDonald’s Chicken Selects. They feature people in various situations (at work, at home, et cetera) telling non-existent people to “back away from the chicken”. What message is this sending? As my girlfriend pointed out, the message boils down to, “if you eat McDonald’s Chicken Selects, you will go insane.” The questionable sanity of the characters aside, the commercials aren’t particularly well thought out. One of them features a man making photocopies in his office. Near the beginning of the ad, he puts the box of Chicken Selects right on the glass of the copier. To a filmmaker, the natural assumption is that this will come into play (the message being, “these Chicken Selects are so tasty you’ll forget about everything else (which is not always a bad thing).”). Instead, he just talks to people who aren’t there.

Another spot shows a woman sitting in her living room and, again, talking to people who aren’t there. The problem with this scene is that her style of dress (a sort of preppy-hippy) doesn’t fit her surroundings (rather posh).

A third spot features a man (perhaps the same guy from the first spot; I can’t tell because I haven’t seen the first spot in a week or two) pretending he’s a rock-star at a concert talking to the audience and his band mates. At one point he says, “I want to play one last number for you. It’s called, “My Girlfriend Jenny Left Me Because I Wouldn’t Give Her Any of My Chicken Selects and Now She’s Real Mad But I’m Real Happy ‘Cuz I’ve Still Got ‘Em.”” (or something akin to that. It may not be an =exact= quote). What’s message are they trying to send?

Have you noticed that every McDonald’s campaign lately has sucked? Males 18-34, people! I like the new Jack in the Box spot with the “Grown Man’s Meal”. Clearly they’re making fun of McDonald’s Go Active meal, which even McDonald’s calls a happy meal for adults.

Despite their crappy marketing campaigns, I still eat there. In fact, I had McDonald’s for lunch today. A couple of weeks ago I gave the Chicken Selects a chance, but was rather disappointed with them. I’ll just stick to the McNuggets if I want pieces of chicken (what can I say? I guess I’m a kid at heart).

Speaking of fast food restaurants, Morah and I were having dinner at Subway last week and I realised something. Subway recently switched from handing out stamps to using a credit card-esque system for their “club”. Under the old plan, you earned a stamp for every 6-inch sandwich you ordered (yes, foot longs earned you two stamps). The stamps could be redeemed for a free 6-inch sandwich after collecting eight stamps or a free foot long after collecting sixteen stamps. A 6-inch sub costs about $4 (with tax and all. I’m rounding up, here) and foot longs are priced at about twice that, so sixteen stamps cost you about $70. Pricy, but at least you were saving about 10%.

Under the new system, you collect “points” instead of stamps. Every dollar spent is a point earned and it takes 190 points get a free foot long. In addition, the card collects information about your eating habits (including at which stores you eat). So now we’re paying over twice as much as we used to (and saving only about 4 to 5 percent) =and= Subway is getting free demographic information from us.

I feel like I should wrap things up on a happy note. Eddie Izzard fans will appreciate this t-shirt, which you can purchase here.

Friday Funday II

Last Friday I brought you some fun and interesting links from that week’s travels around the internet. I liked it (hopefully you did as well), so I’m going to do it again. Who knows, I may just make a habit out of this.

Kikkoman []

To more fully enjoy this one, here are some things you need to know. Kikkoman is a popular brand of soy sauce (it’s certainly the best brand I’ve ever tried). In Japan, soy sauce is called ‘shoyu’ (pronounced “show you”). In Japan, they have what’s called a bento (I wish they had these here. I used to have them in Hawaii all the time). It’s a (usually) square, shallow, plastic container filled with a bed of white rice and topped with various types of meat. Chicken, fish, whatever. Among the stuff that comes in the bento is a little package of shoyu (typically found next to the piece of fake grass) in some humorous shape. I’ve seen them shaped as little people, but usually they look like fish. That’s why Kikkoman has a plastic fish on his head that spurts shoyu.

Bush by the Numbers []

An impressively long list of numbers relating to President Bush’s “four years of double standards”. It’s amazing how much you don’t know you don’t know. Presented a la Harper’s Index.

Catch a Falling Space Capsule []

I know, I know, the thing already plowed into the Utah desert (you should watch the video), but this is a humorous read in hindsight.

Kaiju Big Battel []

There are monsters. They fight. Tiny cities get smashed in the process. Just don’t sit in the first few rows or you might end up covered in toxic slime.

CliffsNotes []

I never used them (I prefer to actually =read= the books in question), but should you ever need them, you can find quite a few online for free. Downloading and printing will cost you, though.

Friday Funday I

Wow, this site is fucking hilarious. Here are a few lists that had me laughing my ass off. []

E-mail Addresses It Would Be Really Annoying to Give Out Over the Phone. []

Hexadecimal Color Codes in HTML That Look or Sound Dirty, But Are in Fact Merely Colorful. []

Things Which Smell Good, but Which Nevertheless Should Not Be Made Into Candle Scents. []

Also, be sure to check out the Bikes Against Bush site for video of Joshua Kinberg being arrested (quite unfairly, I might add) and the actual MSNBC report (with more arrest footage). []

The Justice Department finally got caught. []

9/11 will never end. Especially not when shit like this happens. []

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