All posts in Photo Essay

Photo Essay: Phonecam Pics

When I got my new phone just over a year ago, I knew I wanted one that had a camera in it. I did a bit of research (mostly involving what phones I could get for free or cheap through T-Mobile), and chose the Samsung t629 (mostly for its 1.3 mega pixel camera and the fact that it won’t call my ex-girlfriend while in my pocket. True story).

I started snapping pictures right away, and whenever I saw something funny, interesting, or that I wanted to remember later, I would whip out my phone and take a picture. Now that I’ve been using the camera for a year, I have collected quite a few pictures of things that I found funny, puzzling, or just plain stupid. For example, here’s what FireFox was before it was a popular web browser, here’s a girl with extremely furry boots, and here’s a rather phallic picture hanging up in the men’s bathroom at work.

There are, of course, many more laugh-worthy things to be seen. So here they all are, for your enjoyment.

The grocery store is a gold mine of weird and stupid crap. I was out shopping with Morah recently and saw this banana slicer. Really? Has society gotten so lazy that we need a special tool just to slice bananas? And when you really think about it, the act of cleaning this thing would take longer than slicing a banana with a knife and cleaning the knife. The banana slicer was down the cereal isle, where I found this gem: Disney’s Princess Fairytale Flakes cereal. Aren’t these just Frosted Flakes in a different box? Yes, they are. For those of us trying not to get diabetes, here’s some Bumble Bee fish oil. Yes, the same Bumble Bee that makes tuna. I guess that makes sense, since they already have all those fish, but, “Yum, yum, Bumble Bee, Bumble Bee Fish Oil!” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. The check stand often has the stupidest stuff, but we all know about tabloids, so I didn’t think I needed to take any pictures of the headlines that made me laugh. One thing I found at the check stand that made me laugh and that I did take a picture of, was a sticker on a package of beef jerky that was advertising their, “Messin’ With Sasquatch” game, which seems like a bad idea to me.

Worse than the grocery store is the dollar store. Although you can find some fantastic deals, you have to sift through piles of garbage to get to it. First, the unsettling: a package of young girl’s panties, labeled as, “slightly imperfect,” which have clearly been opened and returned. What about all of the empty hangers where the pregnancy tests used to be? Those three boxes in the photo were the only ones left. Next, the slightly odd: Here are a couple of bookmarks in the shape of flowers. Here’s one that’s shaped like a star, and one shaped like a cat. This one is shaped like… Um… A cactus? A sawfish? A melting clock? This Noah’s Ark play set seems to missing something integral to the Noah story: animals! There are only 1 bird and 1 pig, but there’s a pumpkin, a sack of grain, several carrots (or bread, it’s hard to tell), and a heap of corn. Also, the way they’re packaged, Noah’s son looks like he’s trying to cup his father’s testicles. Finally, the truly bizarre: A sheep that looks like Marie Curie‘s unfortunate pet. I don’t know if it glows in the dark or not, but it glows in the light, and that’s pretty unique.

My favorite dollar store find is so bizarre and so unique, that I have to tell you the whole story surrounding it. I was browsing through the multitude of candles and candle holders, when I spotted an ugly ceramic television. At first I thought you were supposed to put a tea light into it and the screen would glow (which made me want it), but upon further inspection, it was clear that this was simply an ugly ceramic T.V. set. The sheer fact that it served absolutely no function whatsoever (its ugliness prevented it from being decorative) made me want it even more. Then I noticed a second one, but this one was different. It looked exactly the same, except that the top clearly came off. It was supposed to be a little storage device of some sort, but the one in my hand was made incorrectly! Here’s a picture of the two side-by-side (the color in the photo doesn’t do the real thing justice — it’s far uglier in real life). Then I noticed a second style of T.V. container, and although this one was also made incorrectly, it was much more tasteful in design. In the end, I bought both of the mistakes and have them proudly on display in my apartment.

It isn’t just the dollar store and grocery store that have weird crap. This terrifying clown is meant to delight children. Note that the clown on the right is staring directly at the camera. Other odd children’s toys include this Robin action figure, where one of the major selling points is that he’s, “Super-Deformed!” Here’s a plush dinosaur that has ears. Seriously. Ears. Remind me again, which dinosaur had ears? Speaking of incorrectly teaching our children, here’s a globe that was made in Africa, which lists the entirety of North America as being the U.S.A. It’s kind of a shame, because except for that little mistake, it was a pretty cool globe.

There are a lot of misconceptions that the United States is entirely populated by rednecks, and things such as this chocolate bass and these Trailer Park toys aren’t helping. Note that the Trailer Park toys are, “from the creator of the Homies.” In case that’s not proof enough that our country needs help, I just want to point out that this book exists.

You never know what you’ll see while you’re out and about, and homemade signs are often fodder for laughs. Perfect examples are illustrated by the lackadaisical attitude of this out of order sign (despite its location), this sign that strictly forbids trespassing after hours (which leads me to the conclusion that trespassing during business hours is perfectly acceptable), another strict sign that accepts nothing, and my personal favorite, this rather useless lost pigeon sign.

Photo Essay: Pictures on Hot or Not

At some time or another, you’ve probably been to (more intrepid readers will have actually posted their own picture). Here’s a quick rundown, in case you don’t know how it works: You are shown photos of various people and asked to vote how hot you think they are on a scale of one to ten. It’s usually pretty easy to predict what score someone will have, and being the kind of ass I am, I tend to “punish” people who I believe have high scores they don’t deserve. From time to time, I score people with ones and tens =exclusively=; after all, the question =is= hot or not?

So from time to time, when I have nothing but time and am looking to kill some of it, I visit Hot or Not and have at it. Here’s what I’ve noticed.

There tend to be trends among the types of photos uploaded to the site. There are =a ton= of different categories out there, and I’m going to take you through a lot of them. I’m sure that, while this list is long, it isn’t exhaustive. If you find other great examples, let me know, and perhaps I’ll update the list. Before I begin, I should point out that I only look at women in the 18-25 age range (at the time of this writing), therefore this will only pertain to images found in that search.

Where to begin? How about with overall bad pictures? One type of photo you see a lot of are those ones where the person in question has blocked out other peoples’ faces. Some cover-ups are more elegant that others, but I’m partial to the ones where the person has made it overly obvious which person in the picture they are. In fact, taking your photo into an image processing program before putting it online seems to be quite popular, usually with bad results. From time to time you’ll see someone who has created a photo-collage. Too bad those collages rarely give me a good idea of what the person looks like. Unfortunately, not everyone knows how to use Photoshop. And while they’re in Photoshop, you’d think they could turn their photo the right way, or crop out all the extra white space, or fix the proportions of the photo.

While I don’t expect people to know how to operate Photoshop, I’m troubled by the number of people who don’t know how to operate their camera. How hard is it to get a good photo of yourself? Do people not realise that it’s easy to get a photo of yourself without getting the camera in the shot? And what about the photos that are out of focus? Or where there isn’t enough light? I know not everyone can’t be expected to understand things like colour depth, resolution, and image compression, but surely when a photo is too damn small, any idiot will know because YOU CAN’T SEE IT!

It’s not as though the technology behind photos is terribly difficult to master. Scanners have gotten to be pretty forgiving, yet I continue to see really crappy scans. Here are a couple of other things to remember: Your webcam is not a viable option (however, if you insist on using it, make sure you actually look at the camera when you take the picture). The time/date stamp can always be turned off. And finally, if your camera has a flash, it probably also has a red-eye reducer (and if it doesn’t, there’s software that does).

Another typical trick is to look sexy. Sometimes it works (YOWZA!), but it often doesn’t (BAD YOWZA!). Wearing a bikini is a standard trick that frequently garners a high score. So does showing cleavage. There is such a thing as too much cleavage bad cleavage, however. People also seem to like to show off their asses. I’m trying to remember if I’ve ever seen a really nice ass on Hot or Not, and I’m pretty sure I never have. Other attempts to look hot include putting on make-up. It’s usually a good idea to make sure that your make-up matches the colour of your skin.

If you spend enough time on the site (like, five minutes), eventually you’ll see one of the lesbian-themed photos. These are likely an attempt to turn on horny guys without having to post a photo of yourself in a bikini. Since lesbians often times are stereotyped as being manly women, what better transition could I have into the ambiguously sexed category? Are they women in comfortable shoes or are they actually men? Speaking of men, why do girls include guys in the shot? I want to look at hot women, not hot women being groped by their boyfriends.

As we’ve seen, some people take their clothes off in an attempt to lure the votes. Some people would be better off wearing more clothes, and that’s just what some people do. Just as with the ugly bikini girls, costumes don’t always work. Trying to prove that you’re a hip, party girl is also quite common. There are tons of images of girls holding some type of alcoholic beverage, but beer seems to be the most popular.

I’m also not entirely sure that everyone understands the point of Hot or Not. I can’t count on two hands and all my toes how many pictures I’ve seen where you can’t see the face of the person in question. Or where they’re not smiling. Or where something embarrassing is happening to them. Perhaps the most embarrassing type of picture is the, “hotter friend” photo, where one of the person’s friends is hotter than they are. I really don’t understand why some people upload the photos that they do, but then again, I think that sometimes they don’t. For example, if you really wanted to be on Hot or Not, would be flipping off the camera? Or making some kind of crazy face? Speaking of crazy, what the hell is with this picture? And this one? Yikes. Speaking of yikes (more bad yowzas, proceed with caution), we come to the penultimate category: FUGLY. You knew it was coming; it’s the reason you’ve been reading this whole time. You want to see the fugly users of Hot or Not.

The last category is senior portraits. Since these are (usually) taken by a professional, they tend to be the best images overall; so if you’re going to upload your photo, you might want to dig one out that’s been taken by a pro.

Now what I’d love to see is a Hot or Not photo that combines half a dozen or more of the above themes. Contact me if you find one.

Photo Essay: An Anal Look At Anal Lube

Today I was looking for a picture I had seen previously on the Internet that featured a couple on the couch and a tub of anal lube on the table next to them. It didn’t take me long to find the picture. After I saved the image (so I could e-mail it to a friend who wanted to see it), I started looking at some of the other pictures. What I found was the potential to do a very interesting study on lubricants. For example, the original ANAL LUBE brand anal lube (as seen in the photograph) is also available in a cinnamon scent (note that it’s “HOT” anal lube). I suppose it could be cinnamon flavored, but I wasn’t able to find any proof either way. Another hot anal lube to try is HOT GEL, although considering it’s a pain in the ass (no pun intended) when my anus burns after eating spicy food, I don’t think this would be very comfortable (comfort is, I feel, a quality that is desirable in any anal lube). Other “flavors” include a cherry flavored anal lube called ANAL EAZE. More experienced users may wish to try Adam & Eve PRO ANAL LUBE (amateurs need not apply). For an “out-of-this-world” experience, try PROBE brand anal lube. Note the alien-green coloring of the bottles. REAR ENTRY brand anal lube claims that it, “Numbs your most sensitive spots.” I can also see a sticker on the bottle that reads, “Learning the ropes.” I’m not sure I want to know. In times of national tragedy, the country must come together and always be sure to buy American products. ANAL LUBE brand anal lube (which is apparently different from the other ANAL LUBE brand anal lube insofar as it doesn’t have a handy pump dispenser) is “Made in the USA” and comes in both original and cherry scents.

In my search I was able to find a number of products that bothered me slightly. Two brands of anal lube I would never use based on their name alone are LUBRIFIST and SPIKE (despite the fact SPIKE claims to be, “The ultimate anal lube.”). Probably the oddest and most unsettling anal lube I was able to find was Crisco.

The moral of the story? There are a lot of great anal lubes on the market, but when the time comes to choose one, don’t be too anal about it.

UPDATE: Comments temporarily closed due to absurd amounts of spam.