Offline Blog From 19 Sept 2001

closePlease note: This post was published over a year ago, so please be aware that its content may not be quite so accurate anymore. Also, the format of the site has changed since it was published, so please excuse any formatting issues.

I realized two very important things last night. First, I’m afraid of children. My greatest fear is being a bad parent. I was at someone’s house and one of their friends came over who has a 3-year old son. While the kid was really cute, I found that I was nervous. I didn’t know how to interact with him. One of the guys who lives in the house was totally natural with the kid. He could play with the kid on his level and talk to us and hang out with us on our level all at the same time. And the kid loved him. I don’t know how I’m ever going to be a good parent and that scares the shit out of me.

The other thing I realized is that I have no clue where I stand with my cuddle-buddy. I thought she held me in fairly high regard. After all, we hang out all the time, she always wants me to go get food with her from Baldy’s (the university’s main cafeteria), she usually comes to me when she’s bored. Not to mention the other night! I thought we were growing closer and forming a stronger relationship. Apparently I was mistaken. No wait, sod mistaken, I was flat out wrong. All I wanted to do was have dinner with her and spend some time with her. Anything and nothing could have happened, it didn’t matter to me so long as whatever happened I got to do it with her. So she calls up a friend from her summer camp (where she was a counselor) and we make plans to have dinner with her friend. Which wasn’t a problem. Granted, it wasn’t what I had originally wanted, but as I said earlier, so long as I was with her. We got pizza and ate it at the friend’s house (which is when I met the little kid in the above paragraph). This was around 6 or 7pm. I finally left the girl’s apartment at 11pm. Alone. I spent the whole evening feeling like an ass. There were four people there besides myself, and my cuddle-buddy was the only one I knew. Here’s the real kick in the ass, though: the person who was making me feel least welcome and comfortable was my cuddle-buddy. So I sat there while four people held two conversations about events and people I knew nothing about. I sat there while four people drank beer and had a good time. I sat there all fucking night while my cuddle-buddy ignored me. Eventually I just lied and said I was tired and that I should go. No attempt was made to convince me to stay. My cuddle-buddy only smiled at me (which was pretty much the first time she really looked at me all night). So when you read this, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was a fifth wheel that night, I’m sorry I was the only one who wasn’t drinking, I’m sorry if you felt like I was holding you back. I’m sorry that I can’t be normal like everyone else, and most of all, I’m sorry that I can’t not be jealous. If I have to hear one more story about you and Josh and how good he was, or you and anyone and how good he was or how much you want his body, I’m going to kill myself. I know I can’t compete. I feel like the bottom rung of a ladder. The one that gets stepped on the most and sometimes ignored altogether. The trouble is, we’re far too different. I can’t handle certain truths about you and your life. I can’t adjust to my new surroundings, even after two years of having to do so. I’m sorry about still loving Her.

Speaking of Her, she was playing a large role in my life last night. There were these two fish tanks in the house with a number of different fish in them. One of the tanks had a miniature shark (I can’t remember what they’re actually called). She used to have one. I just sat there all night and watched it swim around and chase the other fish and remembered days back home sitting in Her room watching Her shark do the same thing. I remember helping Her clean the tank (which was quite a chore). I remember a lot of good things about Her. She’s seeing some new guy now. I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess it doesn’t affect me too much because I don’t know him.

Life is evil sod.

Today’s forecast: Rain. Clouds and Rain. Freezing temperatures. No sun, period.

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