“You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”

closePlease note: This post was published over a year ago, so please be aware that its content may not be quite so accurate anymore. Also, the format of the site has changed since it was published, so please excuse any formatting issues.

Last night I saw The Italian Job. No, not that one. I’m talking about the original 1969 version with Michael Caine and Noël Coward. Eddie Izzard has a great bit about it and, being as I love the Mini Cooper and Michael Caine, I have wanted to watch it for some time.

It sucked.

It didn’t suck because it was a sixties film; I’m quite positive on sixties films. Rather, it sucked because, instead of being a real movie, it was like a ninety minute ad for Mini Coopers, except that you only get to see the Minis in action for less than a third of the film.

Worst of all, there was little to no conflict. Let me sum the movie up for you:

No conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

False conflict.

No conflict.

More false conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

Mediocre conflict.

Poor conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

Actual, good conflict (but with a crappy resolution)

No conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

No conflict.

Cool Mini Cooper driving shots.

No conflict.

No conflict.

Life-threatening, gold-losing, conflict.

At this point you would think, “ah, it’s about time,” right? Right, so did I. The coach they’re escaping over the Alps in has spun out and is teetering over the edge of a cliff with a several thousand foot slope into a reservoir. Charlie has everyone backed up to the front of the bus to counterbalance the weight of the gold. It works, but they’re still screwed. Charlie realises that he has to slowly pull the (four million dollars worth of) gold toward them in order to shift all the weight away from the cliff. He crawls out toward the gold, but the bus tips a little and the gold slides away from him. He’s left laying on the floor of the bus as it continues to teeter.

Damn good conflict, right? And of course, we’re all still cheering them on. We =want= them to get away with the gold because the rest of the plan was so good. So good, in fact, that it went off with literally no conflict at all.

Suddenly, Charlie rolls onto his back and says, “Hang on lads, I’ve got a great idea.”

So I think, “Here we go! The great Charlie Crocker is going to save the gold and their lives!”

And then the movie ended.

I kid you not, Michael Caine says his line and they cut to an exterior of the bus teetering on the edge and the helicopter pulls back (actually, I think it pushed forward and then they reversed the shot).

SO THAT’S IT? Fucking nothing? Sod that, I want an ending! Supposedly, the end was left open for the possibility of a sequel (which, by the way, they might be doing for the 2003 one).

So what =does= happen? Well, according to Michael Caine, “The next thing that happens is you turn the engine on. You all sit exactly where you are until all the petrol has run out, which changes the equilibrium. We all jump out of the bus and the gold goes over the cliff. And at the bottom are the French mafia, sitting waiting for the gold.”

—-

So I finished my NaNoWriMo novel. It sucks.

Phoenix asked me if I was going to post it for people to read, to which I replied that I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to post it. Because I didn’t have a plot, per se, the story mostly consists of my main character walking around doing nothing in particular until about halfway through the novel (when I sorted out an interesting idea). Also, there are tons of superfluous words and entire paragraphs that really don’t matter, but are designed to get out every idea in my head and, quite frankly, to eat up the word count.

In all, I think it was a valuable exercise and I look forward to doing it again next year.

—-

Happy World AIDS day.

—-

I want this.

0 People like this. Be the first!

Leave a Reply